Bride and Divorce

by Laura on January 28, 2014

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If the Church is really the Bride, I’ll admit I’ve wanted a divorce for a few years now. 

She isn’t who I thought she was 20 years ago when I said, “I do.”  She hasn’t been kind, either –to the people outside of her club, to those who question or doubt, to me.

And, so, I’ve essentially lived in an off-again-on-again state of separation from this dysfunctional being that is the American Church for a solid two years now. She tells me I don’t look or act or think or believe rightly. She sells me a promise of community, and then sits me in a pew facing forward. She takes my money, but hides the Jesus I adore. And every time I muster the hope to try again, she disappoints. So like a scorned spouse, I’ve walked away from her power, her manipulation, her legalism. Her abuse.

But here’s the thing about the disgruntled and hurt partner whom I’ve become, sitting outside with arms crossed and denying the inherent good mixed with the ugly, I haven’t found life or hope or joy in that space either. I thought I’d divorce and walk away completely to find nobility and freedom, but instead what I’m finding is cynicism, bitterness and a tendency to cast the stones right back.

But here’s the thing– the person this potential divorce is hurting the most is  . . . me. 

Disbelief in the Bride’s redemption is leaving me lonely, prideful and self-righteous. Cynicism of her role to play in my own life and in bringing light to the world has left me with my back turned in the counselor’s chair–closed, hardened. Done.

And try as I might to excuse it, this posture doesn’t remind me of Jesus, either. I don’t get to love the world and hate the Bride. I don’t get to cast unconditional grace on other lovers but deny it to my own family. 

Because Jesus had this wild plan for the evolving beauty of His church, and he wants me part of it. And I can’t claim to follow him if I divorce the one he’s redeeming for Himself– not the institution or the doctrine, the method or the damage– but the idea of her, the vision of her. 

Following Christ might not mean living under the same old roof, the same old system with the Bride; perhaps periods of separation can be redemptive.

It does mean, however, leaving the lawyer’s office with the signature line intentionally left blank.

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“There is a song for my family, Outside the walls of Sunday Morning from some within.

This is a song to confess our sins, Lay it all out, and try to begin again.

To hope again. 

Please forgive our ignorance, In looking down on you, 

Please forgive our selfishness, For hiding in our pews while the world bleeds.

While the world needs us to be what we should be.

This is a song for my family who, Just can’t believe in the Jesus that you’ve seen on Sunday morning.

This is a song for the cynical saints, The burned out and hopeless.

The ones that we’ve cast away, I feel your pain.

Please forgive the wastefulness of all that we could be
But don’t forget, there’s more than this
Her beauty still exists
His bride is still alive

His bride is still alive.”

- Gungor, Song for My Family


On an unrelated note, this post gave me a new sympathy for our heterosexual brothers who struggle with the imagery of Christ as the Groom. I get it now, guys, I get it.

Also, an earlier, unedited version of this accidentally got into my RSS feed yesterday- sorry about that. Ignore that one, and thanks for your internet-grace. 

{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }

Gary Ware January 29, 2014 at 3:31 pm

What could be said more than this, “I don’t get to love the world and hate the Bride. I don’t get to cast unconditional grace on other lovers but deny it to my own family. Because Jesus had this wild plan for the evolving beauty of His church, and he wants me part of it. And I can’t claim to follow him if I divorce the one he’s redeeming for Himself– not the institution or the doctrine, the method or the damage– but the idea of her, the vision of her.” Very, VERY True!


Laura Parker January 29, 2014 at 11:49 pm

Thanks, Gary. :)


Grace Wisthoff January 29, 2014 at 4:10 pm

Feeling your pain! I have been a “career” clergy spouse, church leader, area minister. This side of heaven, the Bride gives off any number of unflattering and joy-sucking views. Christ’s Bride will always be a straggling work in progress until eternity. I am sorry you are feeling so excluded from community. I am on my own private exile and learning to love it (!). Accompanying me lately has been Eugene Peterson’s “Under the Unpredictable Plant” on Jonah and pastoral ministry. It has fed me quite well as I continue my journey. Perhaps you would be comforted and encouraged by it as well. I pray your needed answers come at the right place and time!


Laura Parker January 29, 2014 at 11:49 pm

Thanks, Grace– and YES, the struggling work in progress– reckon that defines us all, right? :)

And I LOVE Eugene Peterson! Just his book title, “A Long Obedience in the Same Direction” is enough to make me want to read him forever.


Jeni Mason January 29, 2014 at 9:56 pm

Love you, Laura! So good. Let’s be the Bride together, in a community that loves the Lord and seeks to further His plans. I don’t know exactly what all that looks like, but I’m so glad to serve and love others alongside you and Matt!


Laura Parker January 29, 2014 at 11:48 pm

Thanks, Jeni- love your heart for us. It’s the kind of YOU that helps me remember the beauty of the Bride. :)


Brandi Goff McElheny January 30, 2014 at 1:23 am

Yep. And I struggle with the how….how do I love HER but take out of my head what I think of when I think of HER? Can I love her and still struggle with the institutional church? People think maybe that means I don’t love her…. But my soul cries out that the reason I struggle is because I do so desperately love her and want her to be free to be who she was made to be. And how do we do so filled with hope and with grace for others who might find HER in different forms? Oh that we might love well as we grow and change and heal and become a part of His redemption….


Laura Parker January 30, 2014 at 7:51 am

Brandi- YES on a million levels to this. I am right with you, as you know. And I think its important to separate the institutional church and the Bride– they aren’t necessarily one and the same. I am still in the HOW? process, too– but yes, to offer grace everywhere, for me that can be the hard part.

love you, lady. When I look at your life, I see that you “get” the organic Bride and her beauty– as I see you being her.


Teri Miller January 30, 2014 at 1:47 am

Oh wow. Yeah.
Gotta remind myself that finding a new building and a new style and a new leader isn’t having an affair. The bride is the bride is the bride. And I think God leads me in different directions for different seasons.

Ugh. Its still hard.


Laura Parker January 30, 2014 at 7:52 am

Teri, yes, “the bride is the the bride is the bride.” But, I agree, its still hard to deconstruct and build again something new. I think it can be a lonely place when you walk away from the comfortable to begin/embrace a different definition. Hang in there.

Excited to hang out with you in two weeks!


Alyssa J. Stanbery January 30, 2014 at 7:29 pm

I feel you totally, here.. but I feel like my Divorce from the church has slowly started becoming a Divorce from Jesus and his love, too. And I’m not sure how to reconcile either one… If the church can be so broken and so hurtful, why would I want to be a part of anything like that? But I’m broken and hurtful too… and I can’t cast blame just on them without taking some responsibility myself. Thanks for posting this, it’s giving me a lot to think about tonight. :)


Lana February 1, 2014 at 1:36 pm

Same with me. I would not go of bed with an abusive husband. I have no energy for church games anymore.


Elizabeth Trotter January 30, 2014 at 7:39 pm

Oh I love this, refusing to get a divorce. You were incredibly honest, both in the wanting a divorce, and in the not wanting a divorce. I have this really lofty idea of church in my head, and it involves heaven, and love, and beauty. I’ve had lots of good experiences in church, so I have this generally warm fuzzy feeling, but I have to admit that those good experiences were mostly on a small scale. On a large scale, this beautiful heavenly ideal tends to fall apart — and has led to some very BAD experiences. But the Church works really well on a small scale. Why is that?? Oh, I wish it weren’t so. Because part of the allure is that it’s supposed to work on a large scale! But anyway, did you see Momastery’s video “From My Cold, Dead Hands”? All about grace, and the church, and what its rules SHOULD be. So good.


Taylor Jones March 2, 2014 at 9:59 am

I appreciate your concern with the church – I presume – the church universal. I would doubt anyone truly redeemed, one born again, at some point hasn’t had problems with or objections to his or her local church. That’s what happens with sinners; they sin, even in the local church. But since the church is the bride of Christ and not your bride, you are really contemplating divorcing yourself. The analogy doesn’t fit. We would all to do well to use the biblical definitions in such discussions. No one has the right to divorce the church, except the bridegroom, the Lord Jesus Christ, and He has promised to never leave us nor forsake us. In the meantime we, as believers, need to keep seeking to love those in our local churches, even when they act in ways that challenge that effort. It is what our Bridegroom called us to do. “If Jesus Christ be God and died for us, can anything He asks of us be too much?” ~ Alistair Begg.


Dalaina May March 2, 2014 at 11:06 am

You took the words right out of my mouth. I was in tears yesterday morning over the very subject. My husband asked me why it seemed like I was shifting so much lately in certain views (mostly political), and I told him that it wasn’t even so much that I believe some of my arguments but that I often feel compelled to disassociate myself with the “Christians” around me. I have zero answers here, friend, just know that I am walking the same struggling, hurting road.


Tamara March 7, 2014 at 2:08 am

Hmmm. Another thought-provoking post. We left one church after 17 years, only the last 5 or so were long. Made long by the restlessness brought by the Lord calling us out of the sameness, the dry words that were not infused by the Holy Spirit. In the years between then and now, what we’ve come to is that a church will always be a sick and broken place where we sick and broken ones come seeking health – like a hospital, with many sick people in various stages and the docs and nurses who are sometimes ill as well. The Church and the churches will always be somewhat sick and broken because not one of us will be completely whole until Heaven. But we have said “I do” to the Bridegroom and are so joined with others who make up the Bride . . . and we lean on and learn from and laugh and cry with all believers. There are many places to connect with believers – Praise God! Some of those places are churches, where sometimes we feel like the nurses healing the sick and sometimes we are the ones who need someone to hold a bedpan or perform painful surgery. Then we leave that place and continue to live the joyful and giving and graceful life to which we are called.
Wishing you only God’s richest blessing this night and always. Love ya and miss seeing your face.
Hugs from across town!


Haylee Teem April 16, 2014 at 8:27 pm

Thank you for writing this. I randomly came across your blog after googling “how to become a missionary”

The mega church I’ve attended for the past 10 years recently under went major changes which led to disappointment in man and the church as a whole. My husband and I have been so bitter and untrusting towards every church and have just recently let it go. Your post was exactly how I felt and hit me hard and made me examine why I was holding so many bad feelings towards the bride. Thank you for being open and honest!


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