We were sitting around a campfire the other night when the conversation turned to parenting. And a lady who I continue to admire shamelessly, one of those wiser souls whose weathered teenagers and not just preschoolers, said this statement,
“The tools of a fearful parent are shame and control.”
Hmmm. And then two minutes later, her husband, potentially one of the smartest men we know {they make a good pair}, followed up with this:
“I’m becoming convinced that regardless of what the goal is, the minute you pick up the wrong tool to achieve it, you are not ushering in the Kingdom, you are helping the enemy, you are in sin.”
And it’s had me thinking all week about goals and what tools I pick up to accomplish them. The conversation’s been shining light on a certain scene that keeps replaying in my own house more mornings than not:
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Mom: (Patiently, of course) Sweetie, it’s time to go. You have ten minutes to be in the car for school.
Kid: (5 minutes later. Still at the counter, singing a song about horses and rainbows.)
Mom: (Only slightly less patient) Babe, you only have five minutes to be in the car. Dad’s waiting and you don’t want to be late. You still have to brush your teeth and your hair, get dressed, and be out the door. And you finished your homework, right? Like, get going.
Kid: Okay (dances to her bedroom, lacking the urgency her mother is trying to instill)
Mom: (Tells herself not to get upset. Watches the clock like a hawk. Tries to let “reality be her child’s discipline” and not nag, but goes to check on Kid in the bathroom after a torturous two minutes.)
(Only to find Kid dancing in front of the mirror, hair unbrushed, no socks, to Taylor’s “We are Never, Ever Getting Back Together.”)
Mom: (Admittedly, loses it.)
And four minutes later, Kid scrambles out of the door carrying her shoes and a brush to fix her hair in the car after enduring a few phrases her mother hopes she’ll forget like, “You always do this!” and “You are so slow!” and a few “arghs” and “ughs” thrown in for good measure.
*****
I swear, sometimes I think that getting the kids in the car on time for public school is more difficult than staying home with them all day homeschooling. Well, okay, maybe not. But, still, the forgotten homework and missing sock and “there’s a stain on these jeans!” and Taylor Swift inspirations can make for a stressful morning and a strained relationship.
Mornings, where, unfortunately, I am apt to pick up tools as a parent that are not healthy for any of us– shame and guilt, manipulation, anger and impatience, to name a few.
And my friends’ statements the other week continue to ring in my head because I think they apply to much greater instances than getting my Kid out the door by 7:25andnotaminutelater. Because regardless of how Jesus-sounding my goals may be, if I choose hurtful tools that are unlike Jesus to accomplish them, I’m not doing his work.
If I want to raise money for undercover investigators, but manipulate and worry and stress to do that, I’m screwing up.
If I want my kids to be friendly, well-adjusted, generally-speaking-nice people, but I use the tools of control or anger to whipthemintoshape, it’s not right.
If I’m involved in a noble ministry, but use people as stepping stones to get me or the work where I want to climb, I’m not ushering in Kingdom.
The ends, however righteous, does not justify the means, and the tools I pick up in any given moment, matter.
And, so, deep breath, I’ll wake her up earlier, and I’ll have her set out the whole outfit the night before (socks included). I’ll commit to not name-call (yes, “slow-poke” is a name), regardless of the numbers on the clock. And I’ll determine that the goal of getting anywhere on time is not really worth sending my Kid out into her day with a frustrated, tongue-out-of-control mother slinging bookbags and lunch boxes, the tennis shoes for gym class and a guilt that’ll ride her all day into the van at the last minute.
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In parenting, do you struggle with fear, shame, control, anger? What tools are you most likely to pick up when frustrated? And, (just lie if this is the case because I don’t really want to know), do your kids supernaturally get out the door on time?
LauraParkerBlog.com.
