Knock Down, Drag Out

I hear you Laura.

I don’t know why these seasons in life have to happen. I’m sure some people have really great meaningful insight and spiritual quips in response to my questions. Or simply, the age-old: what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger? Maybe something like that. In our own personal series of disappointments, I had the clear visual of a rug being pulled from under my feet- so swiftly that I would actually get air and inevitably fall very hard on my tender behind. After a few of these, its hard to not let a hardness set in. I think that’s what the world can mistake for “makes us stronger”. That sneaky cynicism quenching every ounce of child-likeness left in me, ready to laugh (cackle) at the glossy hope and dreams of others. But it’s not real strength, and has proved to be my current greatest enemy in life.

It used to be so easy- hearing God, having dreams, and then seeing them unfold before us, chasing butterflies around the globe. Back when I was young.

For now- I console myself with this: At least I don’t have cancer! My kids are safe and not being abused! I have a husband who is right in this with me! ( And… at least I’m not in Bangkok right now.) Thank God, he’s okay with messes… He’s not waiting for us to be perfect. He’s not offended by our inability to “get it together for-crying-out-loud!” He’s not afraid of or disgusted with my coping mechanisms which can make me cynical.

The more I get to know you Laura, the more I see what a gem you are. It’s easy for me to see that you have so many gifts that God can use and is using to bless others and reveal His kingdom on earth. No matter how long it takes you to find a position, role, vision, profitable employment… your family is STILL pouring out living water, passionate, and encouraging those around you in a way that is quite unique.

Blessings-

Amy

I cannot tell you how or when this season will morph into a different one, one that brings actual fulfillment and understanding – but this much I know: it.will.happen. I will not offer advice, I will not throw out kernels of wisdom. I will join you in saying out loud, “THIS SUCKS.” (Pardon my French). Because it does – it’s just plain hard to move through the morass of broken dreams, difficult relationships, disappointments with people and institutions. But. It will not always be so. It feels like that now – I fully understand that. But that is not truth. The light may come in small, slender shafts – or it may burst on you, causing you to shield your eyes from all the bright. However, it comes, it will surprise you. It may even astound you. In the meantime, cry out to God and to us, put one foot in front of the other, love your husband and your children…and watch for it. So, so sorry this is a long rough patch. Praying for glimpses of Light.
Diana Trautwein recently posted..Family Portraits #4: Aunt Frances

yep. forever yep.
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You know, it’s really inconvenient your living in Thailand what with the hug I want to give you and the coffee I’d like to buy you and the space I’d like to extend for you to just be

Praying with you all through the heartache of this rough season.

I’ve kept this open in my browser just because it so perfectly describes the fight. The wrestling I’ve been wrestling for what feels like so very long and it’s definitely feeling like I’m down and out for the count and the thought of dreaming again just sounds like a a lot of work because of the grief that comes with it….the grief for those closed doors and the potential for even more closed doors. I don’t know. And yet it’s that somehow you keep moving forward even if it’s in the little things of just getting out of bed.
praying for you and your fighting match.
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Dear One. My prayers are tonight that you two continue to cling to Our Father, to each other, to those sweet kids. And that you remember Job, the original “get back up when knocked down and still praising” guy. And that Deut. says He will never leave you or FORSAKE you.
He’s here, He’s not the one punching or kicking you, and He is bringing the blessings. Yup. I hate it that we sometimes have to wait sooooooooo long to see ‘em. Keep up the fight but don’t feel bad about getting the rest you need in the way you need it.
Hugs and hugs and hugs to you!

Laura I’m so grateful for this entry today, for the reassurance that it’s not just me struggling with the cycle of hope and despair. I just can’t seem to get it together and live the wonderful happy life that a wise, good little child of God would be living if I weren’t so dense and unable to know God’s will. You’ve described in perfect detail how the relationship I’ve had with my now-34-year-old daughter for the past 10-15 years makes me feel. I keep asking myself when I will give up and just live my life as if I had no daughter, and now a grandson I’m not allowed to see (born Oct. 6). I keep asking God what I’m not learning from Him that forces Him to keep knocking me down this way. I keep praying that God will open my heart and closed-mind and allow me to learn this lesson so the pain will finally stop. I remind myself of abused children who believe their parents are beating them because they are bad little girls and boys. I know God isn’t an abusive parent, so why am I letting myself get sucked into this trap of believing God is CAUSING my suffering in response to my inadequacy?
In the letter my daughter sent asking me not to come down and ruin her happy moment with this newborn child with my talk about why a drug addict should let other parents raise the child, she told me SHE knew what God wanted because she’d gotten down on her knees in December, asking God to rescue her from herself (and her self-destructive habits including drug addiction), and in January she was pregnant! So obviously God wants her to keep and raise this child! It frightens me to think that she might be right, and she’s more receptive to God’s will than I am. It frightens me more to think that a drug addict is using a helpless infant to fill the emptiness in her soul the same way she uses drugs. It frightens me even more that there seems to be nothing I can do to rescue that child from being used like an illegal drug supply. But it frightens me most that I seem to have gone deaf and can no longer hear God talking to me at all.

p.s. Can I help with the air conditioning problem? I’m making out my Christmas gift list this week

so hard… i love the way the psalmist described your feelings (psalm 60.3)

feeling a pummeled here, too.

been studying through 1 and 2 kings lately – got to the part where Elijah is transported to heaven as Elisha watches. what captured my thoughts and meditations was the scene just before that, where Elisha asks for a blessing, a double portion of Elijah’s spirit. Elijah tells him that this thing he asks for is a “hard thing.”

that got me to thinkin’ – aren’t blessings supposed to be nice and good and desirable things? so what in the world is a “hard blessing?” (and why would anyone want it?)

and… would i ever have the courage, grace and habit of finding myself so completely immersed in Him and His will to ask for that same blessing?

sorry, humanly speaking, that things are so hard… prayed for you… and thankfully trusting that God is doing something new, amazing and wonderful – especially as He encourages you through these hard times.
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Wow! This is a discussion that I can really enter into these days. We ourselves have felt like the carpet has been ripped out from underneath us BIG TIME. But it is true that as believers in Christ and His eternal promises, like Scripture says, we are “struck down, but not destroyed, persecuted, but not abandoned, hard pressed, but not crushed.” And we certainly have been all these things.

Having lived through the earthquake in Haiti where we are missionaries, then hear that our 4 year old daughter was diagnosed with stage IV terminal cancer, then to return to the states and live in hospitals and hotel rooms for the next ten months for treatment, then to have her called home to Heaven after all the fighting, then to return to Haiti a few months later, and now we are back in the states because last week our house was broken into at gunpoint and shots were fired through our bedroom door where I had my wife and children hiding behind as the thieves also had 3 guns pointed at me demanding that I give them all our money.
So, yeah, I totally get where you are coming from as far as the confusion or the frustration as to why this happens.

But here’s what I continue to say through it all…and trust me…this is not just some trite Christianese. In the words of Job, “though He slay me, yet I will trust Him.”

You see, the problem comes when we try to make sense as to why these things happen to us but only look at things from a temporal, and often self-centered, viewpoint. That’s where it doesn’t make sense at all and that’s where we can get very discouraged. But as Christians, we must remember the words of Jesus, “In this world you will have many troubles, but be of good cheer for I have overcome the world.” So, I think our solace and our hope come not from a season, no matter how long or short, of trouble free, all your dreams are unfolding, life is good, but rather from knowing that no matter what happens, Christ has risen, is on His throne, and has promised to take us to be with Him. Here is where all of our hope lies. We can’t forget that.

The first comment written on your post came from someone who stated, For now- I console myself with this: At least I don’t have cancer! My kids are safe and not being abused! I have a husband who is right in this with me!” Again, I understand that we can always try to find solace or confirmation with thinking that you don’t have it as bad as others. But what does someone like me do with something like that. I didn’t have cancer, but even worse, my little princess had cancer and did not survive it. My kids were not safe…they were just shot at last week by evil men who invaded our home and violated us. I cannot find solace in a statement such as “well, at least I’m not as bad as someone else.” Even though I’m certain that that’s true. I’m sure that there are people who lost more than one of their young children to a deadly disease.

But that’s not where we can find our hope and solace. Our hope as believers comes from ONE thing. God is good. It is not trite at all to say this. I think by hearing some of what we have gone through it is safe to say that I am allowed to say such things and not sound fluffy duffy and trite. But it is plain fact. He is sovereign and is in control of everything. And He has a purpose for everything. Even our greatest sufferings, trials, setbacks, failures, etc. He will use it for His glory. We simply need to trust Him in this. I think we need to be careful when we talk about our dreams. Again, sometimes we have a tendency to become self focused when we talk in terms of our dreams. It can be dangerous. The Bible doesn’t call us to pursue our dreams, but rather to pursue Christ, to live for Him and make His name known. And this must be for His glory alone, not for ourselves, otherwise we are missing something here.

Trust me, I know the struggle. And right now, sitting here in an undisclosed location in the states after having to flee Haiti in a moment…again…we wrestle and ask the Lord what He is doing through all of this because we certainly cannot make sense of any of it. And often, the Lord has been silent when it comes to our questions. But we sense that still small voice deep within the core of our being that bids us come as we hear Him say again, “Trust me.”

I will end my “comment” with something that I wrote about after Susana was taken home to Heaven. Corrie Ten Boom writes, “Only Heaven will reveal the front side of God’s tapestry of our lives.” Right now, we can only see the back of the tapestry. It looks like a mess. Nothing makes sense. Colors are random. Knots are everywhere. There is no rhythm or pattern. That is what the backside of a tapestry looks like. But when that tapestry is completed and flipped over and hung out for all to see, the comments are no longer, “This does not make sense”, but rather, “Wow, how incredibly beautiful!” And this, I believe, is what Heaven will reveal.

But until then fellow soldiers…press on. God has a plan…and He does all things well.