Resurrect {A Prayer Against Numbness}

Tread gently on this post, friends.  It’s a vulnerable prayer I somehow thought would be good to share.  It’s what I would have written in my journal today, minus the messy handwriting.  After months of emotional and spiritual survival, after wading through culture shock and biting off too much, too soon, I am finally finding space to be quiet.  And I am recognizing that this journey overseas has left me more deadened than I realized.  Perhaps you can relate on some level . . .

{And to my friends of varying faith perspectives who happen to read here, thank you for your grace in a post like this, which is so obviously about my own beliefs.  I am so grateful for your presence around these parts.}

Resurrect this heart.

My need screams in the silence, and I know I haven’t been quiet enough to hear it sooner, to be

alarmed by it.

I don’t want this numb to become normal,

Don’t want a heart of stone,

Don’t want auto-pilot,

anymore.

Wake me up.  Shake me to the core.

Let me feel again. Help me dream again and breathe again and fight again.

I don’t want just this shell of good works, because you see my heart.

You know

The ugliness there.  The anger.  The selfishness.  The judgement.  The self-gratification.

You hear the words I say in my head, and

You see the muddy motives that fuel my days.

And I know in the same breath that all of that is secondary, anyway.

Because you’ve always wanted just one thing from me, really–

my heart, fully-Yours.

And I know that nothing else should contend with that –not the causes I claim or the parenting I try for or the life I say I lead.

Because who cares if I run around doing lovely things, if I’m not first

a woman madly in love?

So, breathe fire onto my ice, and

resurrect the dead–

or at least the sleeping–

in me.

Amen.

Are you in need of a resurrection of spirit or faith, emotion or passion?

Photos are ones that Matt took from the riverside in Bangkok, SE Asia.

Tagged as: first year missionary, inspirational, missions, numb, prayer, struggle as a mom