Resurrect {A Prayer Against Numbness}

by Laura on December 14, 2010

Tread gently on this post, friends.  It’s a vulnerable prayer I somehow thought would be good to share.  It’s what I would have written in my journal today, minus the messy handwriting.  After months of emotional and spiritual survival, after wading through culture shock and biting off too much, too soon, I am finally finding space to be quiet.  And I am recognizing that this journey overseas has left me more deadened than I realized.  Perhaps you can relate on some level . . .

{And to my friends of varying faith perspectives who happen to read here, thank you for your grace in a post like this, which is so obviously about my own beliefs.  I am so grateful for your presence around these parts.}

Resurrect this heart.

My need screams in the silence, and I know I haven’t been quiet enough to hear it sooner, to be

alarmed by it.

I don’t want this numb to become normal,

Don’t want a heart of stone,

Don’t want auto-pilot,

anymore.

Wake me up.  Shake me to the core.

Let me feel again. Help me dream again and breathe again and fight again.

I don’t want just this shell of good works, because you see my heart.

You know

The ugliness there.  The anger.  The selfishness.  The judgement.  The self-gratification.

You hear the words I say in my head, and

You see the muddy motives that fuel my days.

And I know in the same breath that all of that is secondary, anyway.

Because you’ve always wanted just one thing from me, really–

my heart, fully-Yours.

And I know that nothing else should contend with that –not the causes I claim or the parenting I try for or the life I say I lead.

Because who cares if I run around doing lovely things, if I’m not first

a woman madly in love?

So, breathe fire onto my ice, and

resurrect the dead

or at least the sleeping

in me.

Amen.

Are you in need of a resurrection of spirit or faith, emotion or passion?

Photos are ones that Matt took from the riverside in Bangkok, SE Asia.

  • flyinjuju

    Wow, and Yes. I am just getting a glimpse of the fact that I am not in love with my Savior. I have done the right things, and been diligent in reading the word, and have seen God move on my behalf through prayer, but I have not been in LOVE with Him. And that is my hearts desire. I am so thankful He is so gracious to continue to lead even when I am so far from “getting it”. Thanks for sharing your heart. You are a great encouragement and I can’t wait to meet you. Blessings to you and your family

    • http://www.lauraleighparker.com Laura

      I think so often our relationship with God is tested most when we don’t “feel” Him. When we don’t taste a spiritual high or emotional mountaintop. When we’ve “done” all the “right things” to pursue, and we still hear and feel silence.

      Those are moments of real faith.

      I love your heart and your honesty.

  • http://www.thestroups.blogspot.com Amy Stroup

    You’re on my heart this morning and I’m praying for deep satisfaction in the one who gives you life. I know it is in these times of brokenness that God seems to be the most present. So, I am thanking God for where you are at and also sitting right there with you. Love to you.

    • http://www.lauraleighparker.com Laura

      Amy and Kendal,

      Thank you friends. Really and truly. Isn’t there liberation in the knowledge that we are, none of us, alone in this human experience? I love that so often I can look around and have people I admire say, “me, too.” That in itself is a huge encouragement.

  • http://kendalprivette.blogspot.com/ kendal

    oh, laura, i’ve been there so many times. the ice. and my ice has shattered into terrible shards before. and i’ve been on the long journey back. and the fire? that from the embers? the light? brings joy anew – praying that for you my friend.
    kendal recently posted..wrap this up

  • http://www.unitedhere.blogspot.com Carin

    Wow, you don’t know me but you just wrote out the prayer I’ve been too afraid to whisper let alone write out.

    • http://www.lauraleighparker.com Laura

      Carin, Shelli,

      Glad you are able to pray this, too . . .

      Praying for you this morning that this season would be a season of relationship and love and a beautiful waking-up.

  • http://www.hopefullydevoted.com Shelli @ Hopefully Devoted

    Yes, yes, and yes! Your prayer cuts to the quick. I read it and then went back to the beginning and prayed it as my own. Thank you.

  • Sharon O

    This is beautiful and honest and God does love an honest prayer… look at David what did he do?? over and over he said “GOD… listen”
    I will be praying for you …

  • http://www.lovewellblog.com Kelly @ Love Well

    I so get this Laura. And I’m not even living in a foreign culture, subsisting on fumes and prayers. It’s so easy for our hearts to go numb, to focus on the doing and forget the being. But God? He cares about our hearts above all. It’s why I named my blog Love Well. Because that’s the essence.

    Beautiful.
    Kelly @ Love Well recently posted..So We Got Some Snow This Weekend

    • http://www.lauraleighparker.com Laura

      “To focus on the doing and forget the being”– isn’t that true on so many levels?

      Absolutely.
      No matter what continent you’re on . . .

  • Mary Lee Moritz

    May the Lord bless you and give you comfort and peace as you take time to renew yourself in His amazing love. He sees every part of us, and His love never fails. I love you, Laura, and I keep you in my prayers. Thank you for your vulnerability. His love and care for you, and for all of us, shines through in your sharing.

  • Trish

    truly beautiful!

  • Jewels

    beautiful prayer. I’ve been in a period of numbness for years now and don’t even know if I dare to hope that He might still answer that prayer. To be unstuck and dream big dreams again but not only dream them begin to really live them. How amazing it would be to live in Him again.

    • http://www.lauraleighparker.com Laura

      Wow, what an honest admission of a hard place. It’s so easy to feel numb because of disappointment, and then time goes by, and the numbness becomes the normal. And the longer it goes, the more unlikely it feels to ever be alive again . . .

      BUT, if God can raise the dead, I have to believe he can raise a heart again– no matter how long it’s been sleeping.

      I will pray for you tonight on your own personal journey to waking up and dreaming and really living again.

      I’m anxious to hear how God answers . . .

      Proud of you for searching and being open–maybe the first and hardest step?

      love and hope, Laura

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