I wrote this post several days ago, but am just now having the access to post it. I’ll warn you, it’s an honest one.
Okay, I’ll say it, I’m angry right now.
Angry at the kids for needing help during my afternoon naptime, and I’m angry at myself for not driving, rendering me more dependent than ever. I’m angry at the taxi driver that took me to the wrong place, and I’m mad at this tropical heat that leaves me sticky and irritated, always. I’m angry at the words I’ve chosen to speak and the tone in which I’ve said them, and I’m mad at myself for parenting decisions made that have backfired, again. I’m angry at the prospect of not having internet in our house for three months, and I’m seething that yesterday’s laundry is still damp on the line.
I don’t know what it is about the stress of the last several months, but I have tasted anger more potently than ever before in my life. And I hate it. I hate the wake of damage it leaves behind, as I speak harshly and send them to their rooms too quickly. I hate the knowledge that a tongue out of control can destroy like a wrecking ball, and I hate that my words have been just that lately–a tool that knocks down the bricks of little hearts and memories and days.
And Matt spoke to a wise man who once said that anger is usually the result of perceived loss. A perceived loss.
And as the rainstorm thunders around me this afternoon, I am chewing on the why behind my own recent outbursts of anger. I’m thinking that perhaps my perceived loss (or really, my actual loss) is the loss of my life before Thailand. The friendships. The family. The local church. The lifestyle. And I didn’t fully realize what I had when I had it, but now that it is gone, I am wanting it back with an angry-passion.
But, isn’t that always the story for most of us? We want something from the past back, or we want something different for the now. We look behind and laterally for contentment, and we have a much harder time finding it right in front of us. Because there’s always something else to want in our unique stories . . .
a bigger house
a different job
more kids (or “easier” ones)
the marriage like it used to be
that loved one, back at the dinner table
the season of no kids or small kids or kids that still called
to move, or to stay.
And when we look at how that (the past or the different) is absent from our present, we perceive loss. And when we perceive loss, we often see anger erupt to the surface. Sometimes out of left field. At least that’s been the case in this household.
And there are no easy, five-steps-to-fix-your-rage-problem solutions–at least offered in this corner of the web. Rather, I only (very) humbly offer to you
an admission that I’m angry, too,
an encouragement to examine the root of the loss,
and a prayer that we will both look to the Good Shepherd who can make this pasture we each find ourselves in,
somehow perfectly green.
“The Lord is my Shepherd, I have everything I need. He causes me to lie down in green pastures. He leads beside quiet waters. He restores my soul.” {psalm 23}
Are you struggling with anger right now? Have you struggled in the past? What do you think causes it?
Oh, and, don’t worry, looks like it will only be another week (or so) until Internet is up and running at our house. And, be sure to visit back within the week when I will be posting some more thoughts on anger. Specifically, we’ll be talking about the three questions to ask yourself before you hit a wall or yell at your kids.
ALifeOverseas.com / LauraParkerBlog.com.
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