I wrote this post several days ago, but am just now having the access to post it. I’ll warn you, it’s an honest one.
Okay, I’ll say it, I’m angry right now.
Angry at the kids for needing help during my afternoon naptime, and I’m angry at myself for not driving, rendering me more dependent than ever. I’m angry at the taxi driver that took me to the wrong place, and I’m mad at this tropical heat that leaves me sticky and irritated, always. I’m angry at the words I’ve chosen to speak and the tone in which I’ve said them, and I’m mad at myself for parenting decisions made that have backfired, again. I’m angry at the prospect of not having internet in our house for three months, and I’m seething that yesterday’s laundry is still damp on the line.
I don’t know what it is about the stress of the last several months, but I have tasted anger more potently than ever before in my life. And I hate it. I hate the wake of damage it leaves behind, as I speak harshly and send them to their rooms too quickly. I hate the knowledge that a tongue out of control can destroy like a wrecking ball, and I hate that my words have been just that lately–a tool that knocks down the bricks of little hearts and memories and days.
And Matt spoke to a wise man who once said that anger is usually the result of perceived loss. A perceived loss.
And as the rainstorm thunders around me this afternoon, I am chewing on the why behind my own recent outbursts of anger. I’m thinking that perhaps my perceived loss (or really, my actual loss) is the loss of my life before Thailand. The friendships. The family. The local church. The lifestyle. And I didn’t fully realize what I had when I had it, but now that it is gone, I am wanting it back with an angry-passion.
But, isn’t that always the story for most of us? We want something from the past back, or we want something different for the now. We look behind and laterally for contentment, and we have a much harder time finding it right in front of us. Because there’s always something else to want in our unique stories . . .
a bigger house
a different job
more kids (or “easier” ones)
the marriage like it used to be
that loved one, back at the dinner table
the season of no kids or small kids or kids that still called
to move, or to stay.
And when we look at how that (the past or the different) is absent from our present, we perceive loss. And when we perceive loss, we often see anger erupt to the surface. Sometimes out of left field. At least that’s been the case in this household.
And there are no easy, five-steps-to-fix-your-rage-problem solutions–at least offered in this corner of the web. Rather, I only (very) humbly offer to you
an admission that I’m angry, too,
an encouragement to examine the root of the loss,
and a prayer that we will both look to the Good Shepherd who can make this pasture we each find ourselves in,
somehow perfectly green.
“The Lord is my Shepherd, I have everything I need. He causes me to lie down in green pastures. He leads beside quiet waters. He restores my soul.” {psalm 23}
Are you struggling with anger right now? Have you struggled in the past? What do you think causes it?
Oh, and, don’t worry, looks like it will only be another week (or so) until Internet is up and running at our house. And, be sure to visit back within the week when I will be posting some more thoughts on anger. Specifically, we’ll be talking about the three questions to ask yourself before you hit a wall or yell at your kids.
ALifeOverseas.com / LauraParkerBlog.com.
Destined Traveler.
{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
I know this anger, friend. You are not alone. I have even gone so far as to type into Google “I can’t stop yelling at my kids…” And that is a tough place to be. But I think that by far one of the best things you can do is exactly what you’ve already done—TALK ABOUT IT. We all go there, and probably the worst thing to do is to hide it in shame. Thank you so much for your honesty and your insight and for the reminder that God will ALWAYS restore us to sanity. Love you.
Oh, sweet Heather . . . and you have had such a “right” to be angry at the losses you have suffered. I love the reminder that shame is what keeps us quiet and keeps us feeling lower and more isolated . . . and thus, even more angry. Thanks for the encouragement to keep puttin’ it out there. Love and miss your family.
Especially, you.
I was at theMill several months ago when we talked about anger. Aaron Stern views anger as, oftentimes, a “covering emotion”. An emotion covering sadness, covering envy or jealousy, covering discouragement, or as you said – covering a perceived loss. And you’re right, you have sacrificed a LOT. You have sacrificed comfort and security, great friends, pleasant weather, and the many MANY amenities naturally present in an American household. You have sacrificed more than most people ever will in their lifetime. But DO remember that, even in physical absence, you HAVEN’T lost those friendships and relationships you miss so dearly. You haven’t lost our love or support. Even when we here in the States fail to adequately show it, we miss you terribly. Not a day goes by that someone here doesn’t feel “angry” about your absence from our lives, as well. But know that you are FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT, and that God is immensely proud of you for all that you have given up in this world. You may have given up comfort, but you will be greeted by the amazing comfort of your Savior. You may have given up security, but your life and heart are all the more secure in HIM. You may have given up American amenities, but you will reap Heavenly rewards for your sacrifice beyond your greatest hopes. Stay strong, Laura, and stay in prayer. I know that Satan would (and will) do ANYTHING to keep you from finding lasting joy in the calling God has given your family. What you’re doing scares Satan silly. But don’t give in! Refuse to back down. The Fall team cannot WAIT to come and give you the biggest hugs we can muster and to fight alongside you for the next three months. We love you so much, Laura! Thank you for your honesty. You are so wonderful
Oh, Caitlin, what a needed message of encouragement. Thank you for taking the time to share, to encouragement, to send support and love over the wires. You are a gift to me, girl . . .
And I can’t wait to see you soon, either.
I’m thinking about what makes me angry and it is making me angrier! Hold on…I’ll think of something.
You are just too nice. That’s your problem. ha ha. Love you, sis.
Thank you so much for your honesty! I went through this as well! I had to visually, prayerfully, & continuously hand my perceived loss- life before kiddos- over to God. It was getting so bad I actually thought of leaving them. And I have since met many moms who are experiencing the same. But God is good. I’ll be praying for you as I pray for the others (& myself) =]
Mandi–ABSOLUTELY! The loss of life before kids is HUGE. I remember feeling so resentful towards these little people because of what they naturally required. And then, I mothered like crap. I think it is such a struggle in different seasons, but especially in that initial plunging into the pool of full-time motherhood.
Thanks for stopping in. And for the encouragement.
Rage. Would that be like the time I flipped off the guy that cut Jan and I off with his car while we were on a bike in India -serving as missionaries! I yelled too and this rage continued for about 8 months.
Rage while lying awake at night thinking of what I would have done, wanted to do to that angry mob that carried away our apartment night guard and beat him half to death and blind in one eye-tossed in a sewer because someone ‘had to pay’ for the floodwaters that went through their village – they thought were caused by our apartments.
Rage because you can’t make sense of illogical ways of doing things and traditions that seem to run deeper than the Spirit of God.
Hummm, yes, I think you are normal. Vital signs are showing!
I struggled a little with NOT getting laid off this week. (don’t tell anybody) because I was hoping God was setting us up to ‘do the move’ again! Yep, to Thailand. That’s ok though, He knows what our path is and I am happy to STAY on it.
Mi Ben Rye
One cause of rage can be lawlessness, it is a spirit that rules in many lands creating injustice.
What you have point out is also a great insight into our hearts too. Francis Chan said in his broadcast recently that “we don’t need a ‘comforter’ if we are totally comfortable”.
I would say the comforter is heading your way with extra measure!!!
Can I just say that I love love love your honesty, your stories, your insights! Man, I love you guys . . . even if it is from afar. I totally taste the rage, too. And I can’t tell you thank you enough for sympathizing.
I love the last thing you wrote about needing a Comforter when we are most uncomfortable. I reckon it gives God a bigger chance to redeem this mess I find myself in.
And, maybe I am a bit angry, too that you are not headed our way.
Maybe one day . . . .
I think I’d rather have anger than disappointment. It seems that with anger comes a passion and a wanting to change things.
I am disappointed right now and that feels so passive and I don’t have the motivation to change things… Does anger at least provide some motivation?
Hmmm . . . Jennifer. The connection between anger and disappointment. I wonder if we all handle loss by going one of those two routes. Sorta like the “fight or flight” mentality that we may have when faced with danger? I don’t know which is better, or worse. At least with disappointment, maybe you are not yelling at your kids as much. At least that’s something . . . . (weak smile).
Definitely been struggling with anger. It is something God has really been dealing with me over. I hate my wicked tongue. I wish I could cut it out sometimes, but then…I still have angry thoughts.
Yes, Prudence, I agree that my anger usually comes out in my words. I have found myself using such harsh words to other and about others. Not a pretty thing. At all.
My daughter says you can “take a word back”. But, somehow, I don’t know if you REALLY can, ya know? argh.
I’m not too nice, sis…I just read stuff like that and it makes me want to make you smile.
Anyways- I don’t have kids so, I don’t really relate to the yelling at them (although I do have a dog that sometimes gets a harsh word or two and then i feel so bad about it that I give him a treat…like this makes it ALL better). And, I’m not a “missionary” living in a far off place without family and friends close by.
But- what does make me mad is not knowing THE plan. I’m a planner. I like knowning what is going to happen next, how it is going to happen, and when it is going to happen. I’m learning how to give up on MY plan and accept God’s plan. And, that means not knowing the when, the where, and the how. Really FUN stuff but, I’m working on it.:-)
Love you and miss you!
UGH! THe plan. I hear you. The unknown is such a source of major frustration. Especially when the we not only don’t know the plan, but what happens is not even on our radar for what we wanted the plan to be in the first place. Dangit.
love you, L
One cause of anger or frustration, is when our expectations are not met. I guess this means that one way to avoid anger, is to not have any expectations; however, I find this a dilemma, because how does one have dreams with out expectations. Maybe by somehow turning dreams into hope.
I posted on your wall the below before, but I’m repeating it hopes that it encourages you!
You have chosen the road less traveled, and it is an inspiration and a challenge to all of us. Your obedience to God will result in experiences others wish they had. Your children will know what it is to truly experience God! Psalm 63 t…ells us HIS LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE. As you experience God and his love in Thailand, it will be far better and far more satisfying than even the best day here in the US, since this is where God has led you! Psalms also tell us that BETTER IS ONE DAY IN HIS COURTS than THOUSANDS ELSEWHERE! – You are in the courts of God! – Praying for you and your family! THANK YOU for being such FAITHFUL servants.
Oh, thanks so much Tammy. I love that connection between our anger and our high expectations and what we want our dreams to look like. The massive failing of expectation is such a loss on so many levels. Thanks for the reminder of that.
But thanks MORE for the encouragement.
I love your honesty. And, you know, I can relate.
Babe, you are STILL my hero. Truly. Yup.
Laura, I appreciate your honesty. Let me introduce myself. I am a MOM (mother of a missionary). My son, his wife, and baby are missionaries in CM Thailand. His wife has a link to your blog on her blog. I used to struggle with anger all the time from several of the reasons you and your commentators have listed-my rights,dreams,plans,losses,etc. Yelling was common in those days. I thought I had matured beyond that (obviously thinking way to much of myself!). I think your blog helped me to realize a source of my depression (which is a lot about loss…loss of a son to living overseas, death of dreams, etc.). I now believe that as I have grown older, anger can become depression. So, I still must work on putting to death the flesh and human nature. Gotta go…lots of work to do now. Thank you for sharing.
Oh, Sherri, thank you so much for stopping by and commenting and sharing honestly. I think that the sacrifices to STAY and LET GO are often harder than the sacrifice to be the ones GOING. I know what it means for my own family–in particular my mom and mother-in-law–to miss the precious years of my own kids growing up. And, honestly, I can cry just at the thought of it. It is HARD. The letting go of family dinners and birthday celebrations and Christmases around the tree with grandbabies.
My only consolation is that in Heaven, somehow, God will make it up to us. That God will fill in all the gaps that we’ve missed, that we will be glad we laid our families at the altar for the love of Him.
My heart hurts for you, and for all those that have had to say goodbye. Thankfully, eternity is a whole heckofalot longer than down here.
Love, Laura
ps–Who is your daughter-in-law? And maybe I should meet her??!!
Hmmm. Catching up here and it’s late so . . . this is an amazing discussion and I so appreciate it all: the honesty of everyone, the encouragement, the FAITH exhibited by so many of you commentators.
Yes, I am acquainted with anger! Perceived loss is a new concept for me so will think on it. But really, there are so many varied reasons and most do seem to come back to centering on self, even if anger is at injustice we are angry often because we don’t have the power to stop it immediately.
Hugs to you there and here!
{ 4 trackbacks }